Anonymous asked: I have bad trust issues. I have never been in a romantic relationship, but w/all these stories of spousal abuse (mental/physical) im frightened to be in a relationship. Its gotten to a point where ive stopped going on dates. Idk what to do.
This is going to sound really… blunt, but: see a therapist. There are a lot of underlying issues here, just from what you’ve told me. You should talk to a professional about your trust issues, working past the situations that caused them, etc.
As for worrying about abuse, I think it’s completely normal. Hell, I worry about it myself sometimes. But to let it interfere with your entire life? That’s not a way to live, Lovely. Just do your research. Learn all about the warning signs and what to do if you do find yourself in an abusive relationship. Be prepared, so you know how to fight it before it gets too far. There is never a 100% guarantee you will not be in an abusive relationship, and I know that’s scary, but research is a step. Having faith is the other. (Unfortunately a hard thing to do.)
Like I said though, talk to a professional. It’s more likely they can help you than I can. I’m just a 19-year-old with a blog, a bit of personal experience, and a knack for research. I can only give my opinion, nothing more, nothing less.
Best of luck. I do hope you talk to someone. There’s a lot I think you may need to work through.
- Tiffany
Anonymous asked: So there's that post "10 signs it's time to let go" and it's obviously written with a romantic relationship in mind. But do you think that advice generally applies to family relationships too? Like, if I have to hide things from my mom for fear of her hurting herself, would that be a sign I need to get away? Part of me wants to but I feel guilty and I'm afraid to be on my own.
I would say it applies to any relationship; familial, romantic, or platonic. They are generally signs of an unhealthy companionship, and those are toxic in various ways for various reasons.
I cannot tell you if that is a sign whether or not you’d need to separate yourself from your mother, because I don’t know enough of what you’re talking about. What are you hiding? Why? What are the consequences of each course of action? What is your health like? Your mother’s? Your financial situation? What is the secret-keeping doing to you? Etc. All of these things and more would effect whether or not you should stay.
Still, keep in mind “leaving” does not always equal “cutting out”. It really all depends. You are the only one who knows best. You are the only one who knows whether or not you’re in an unhealthy situation.
I may be able to give you my opinion with more information (I am able and certainly willing to keep it private if need be, you need only ask), otherwise I’d suggest speaking to someone who knows you and your family more. Perhaps a sibling, cousin, aunt, uncle, friend, doctor, therapist, teacher, etc.
Best of luck.
- Tiffany
Anonymous asked: Is it possible to unlearn having visceral, overly-emotional reactions to things? When I do this, people think I'm being manipulative. I understand how it can seem that way - for example, my ex would try to talk about things that weren't working in our relationship & I'd freak out & cry & think he was breaking up with me, and we ended up breaking up in the end bc we couldn't TALK about our problems. But I wasn't FAKING that reaction; I genuinely thought he wanted to leave me. How can I stop?
My answer might not be the one you want to hear, but… talk to a therapist. The problems could be self-confidence issues, or they could be related to something else. There’s a therapy I believe that helps one cope with inappropriate reactions to situations. I cannot fully remember the name though. dyke-recovery on tumblr may have an idea, or perhaps a-recovered-life.
If it’s tied into self-confidence issues, you should probably look into ways to learn how to love yourself. There are many exercises, videos, and general informational things out there. You could try our tagged/self-love section, or scroll through our archives. I know a while back recoveryisbeautiful posted a large positive mantra collection. There are things one can do, such as writing down a list of things you like about yourself and putting it somewhere you’ll see everyday. Leave room to always add to it. You can also stare in your mirror and point out just one thing you like about your appearance. Try to find something new everyday. That sort of thing.
But again, talk to a professional. There might be more going on/they can give you better exercises + an ear to listen and help probelm solve.
- Tiffany
huxleyist asked: What are some ways to eradicate unhealthy relationship habits?
Well, that depends. I’d need more info. Is it you or your partner(s) who is using the unhealthy habits? What habits are they?
I’d be willing to talk privately if you wish, but I definitely need a little more information.
- Tiff
Hi I have a longer ask and I would like it to be post anonymously if that’s okayHi there! I just wanted to talk to someone so I came here. I’m sorry if I’m bothering you/taking your time. You can just ignore this if you want to. The deal is that I’ve had self esteem problems since I was little and I suffer from social anxiety/panic disorder. When I was younger I had an eating disorder and the last two years were blurred with depression. This past year I’ve been trying to learn to love myself but the biggest problem for me is my mom. I’m 19 and she still has such a big influence over me. I often feel like she hates me. She says mean things without a reason and puts me down. No matter what I do, I’m never good enough for her. She has never accepted me the way I am. I’ve spent most of my life trying to please her but now when I look back, I see that it was impossible, because she always changed the rules and didn’t tell me about it. She still does it. First she tells me that something I’m doing is good/accepted by her and then a week later she mocks me because of it/gets angry because she suddenly doesn’t like it anymore. Whenever she’s mean to me, it’s really triggering. It makes me want to cut again, and it restarts the tiny voice in my head telling me how shitty person I am, how no one will ever love me and how I’m never going to be good enough. I just hate it so much, that even if I’m doing good and being happy and confident, a little mean thing from her can destroy it in seconds. One day she is sweet and nice, one day she is mean without a reason. I am tip toeing around her because I’m constantly afraid of making her angry and I just hate myself for it, because I can’t be stronger and just not to care about her opinions. I also hate how good I feel when I actually manage to please her in some way. It’s like my whole existence depends on her acceptance, like I’m some kind of dog. I just want to be free and strong and I can’t. I’m really afraid of the future, because I’m going to move on my own next autumn. I just fear that my anxiety will get so bad again and that I can never love/trust anyone and just end up being alone forever. I am trying to forgive my mom, because I know her life is hard and hatred never leads to anything good, but it’s just so hard when she constantly wakes the bad memories from my childhood and adds new bad memories to my head. Also, I feel so guilty talking about her like this, because the voice in my head is telling me that I’m just overreacting and it was probably just all my fault and I deserved it and she hasn’t even done anything wrong. And besides, she has forbidden me a thousand times to tell anyone anything about our family.
I wouldn’t ignore this, nor are you bothering me. I am so sorry. This message was literally buried in my inbox. I feel awful.
The first thing I am noticing is that your mother is what one might call a bully. I’m sure she has her own issues and reasons, but she is indeed being very hurtful and she’s not healthy to you currently. I will never tell someone to cut someone else out of their life, but that doesn’t mean I think you two should necessarily spend more time together at the moment than necessary.
Your mother is really triggering which is, as I’m sure you know, extremely unhealthy. The fact that you’re moving out is a good thing. You two will probably get along better once you are able to give each other space.
It’s not unusual or weird for you to want your mother’s approval. All children have that innate need to feel loved and accepted from our parents.
Unfortunately, it seems as though your mother has a whole load of her own things going on that she refuses to acknowledge/take care of and therefore it comes out as attacks on you. This isn’t unusual, considering older generations were never taught to speak about things that were bothering them. That was taboo. “Children should be seen, not heard.”
TW: On top of that, mental health was for people who felt like cutting off other people’s heads was a good idea, not for your typical, every day person. Therapists were for “crazy” people. The stigma today is bad, but back then? It was horrible.
It’s not your fault whatsoever. Having difficulty forgiving her isn’t wrong either. When people hurt us, especially so deeply, it’s not an easy thing to let go of. I am more than positive your mother IS a good person. She just, as I’ve said, probably has a lot of unsolved things going on. It’s not okay for her to treat you like that, don’t get me wrong, but I do believe there are reasons behind the way she is.
Perhaps try talking to a therapist or counsellor about it? They may be able to give you some more insight or find ways for you to try to communicate more efficiently with your mother.
My suggestion really just is, for now, know when to walk away when she’s upset as such. Try, as hard as it will be, to not take it personally. Know that though she’s acting angry towards you, she may in fact be angry with herself or something entirely different. Heck, it’s not even impossible for your mother to have her own disorder or illness that she hasn’t taken care of. These things happen, and with older generations, it’s harder for them to come to terms with it or confront it. My friend’s mother says that “I’ve been this way for so long, why change it now?” in related to talking about feelings and the like. It’s not a good attitude to have, but some people have it.
Find ways to avoid her when she’s in a bad mood, if you can. Give each other space. Remember that her attacking you is wrong, but sometimes our emotions will carry us away and we might goad our parents on, which really isn’t helping either of you. Once you move out, it might get easier. Being around people 24/7 makes it easy for the grating of nerves and people often do take out their anger on people closest to them. Space is necessary.
If you need more advice, don’t be afraid of looking into therapy, even family therapy if your mother is willing (try her on one of her better days). For relapse, just constantly have a bunch of HEALTHY coping mechanisms and tools on hand when at home, if not everywhere.
Again, I’m sorry for the late reply!
Anonymous asked: This is probably a stupid question, but does this sound like a panic attack? This is the third time something like this has happened to me. Last night I was laying in bed (and had been feeling very anxious all day) when all of the sudden my chest got tight, my heart started beating extremely fast, and every time I exhaled I freaked out and breathed in as quick as I could because I felt as though I couldn't get enough air. Nothing really triggered it, although I had been feeling anxious all day.
This is definitely not a stupid question, and though I personally have not had any panic attacks, this definitely sounds at least similar. Many people refer to it as feeling like you’re dying. I’ll list some common symptoms below.
Either way, your anxiety seems to be pretty serious, and like always I must suggest perhaps seeing a professional about it.
Symptoms:
- Palpitations, and/or accelerated heart rate
- Sweating
- Trembling or shaking
- Sensations of shortness of breath or being smothered
- Feeling of choking
- Chest pain or discomfort
- Nausea or abdominal distress
- Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
- De-realization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
- Fear of losing control or going insane
- Sense of impending death
- Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations)
- Chills or hot flashes
Anonymous asked: Do you have anything on social anxiety? I feel like I'm the only human being who has it and I'm so embarrased by it because it makes me look so weak.
Oh lovely, I can definitely, 110% assure you that you are not the only one! I actually have two friends who suffer from it.
Anxiety is an illness just like any other. If you had cancer, would you be ashamed of it? There’s nothing wrong with being sick! The only thing wrong is not doing anything about it. :)
I am not sure if you’re asking me for information on it or if you’re looking for coping tips with it. Have you tried Google, or even the social anxiety tags on tumblr? You could probably find a lot more helpful things than I can, seeing as I do not have it. Try some book stores as well, as they generally have health sections.
I also know that the Youtuber Meekakitty talked not too long ago about her time with social anxiety, and I’m sure you can find a lot of videos about it on there too.
But if you want me to find something for you, I’ll need you to be more specific, otherwise I’ll just flail around and be unable to help at all.
- Tiffany
Anonymous asked: No, it's not the same anon. But it does sound a lot like my story. To the other anon: I think we really should talk to professionals about our problems. Life is so short and we should be healthy and happy. All the best to you and anyone who's struggling. Thanks Tiffany, I'm already feeling better.
I definitely agree, anon! It is totally possible to live a life outside of these illnesses, a lemme tell you, it’s SO much more fun on this side of things. But only you can help yourself, at the end of the day.
Best of luck to you two. If you need anything, this blog is here.
I’m glad to have been of service, my friend.
- Tiff
Anonymous asked: Well they kind of "threw me out". They said they couldn't keep me if I wouldn't eat properly and so I had to go. Yeah, you're right. I should have gone to a place specifically for eating disorders.. Thanks Tiffany! :) I will do that. I know I need to talk to my therapist about this and I think seeing a dietitian would also help. But I don't want my parents to know.. you think that's possible? I'm 18.
Hm. Sounds like they aren’t doing their jobs properly if that’s the case. They should have at least referred you to a better equipped treatment center.
You’re very welcome! I’m always here to listen.
It is definitely possible, depending on where you’re living. But generally at 18 in most countries you are considered an adult, and therefore you’re allowed to keep medical information from your parents. You can do this at age 16 in some places, too. Usually everything can be kept between you and your care team (doctor/patient confidentiality) so long as they do not believe you are at risk. Meaning, they do not think you are actively trying to kill yourself. Then, by law, they are required to tell someone else.
So, to answer your question, yes, I think it’s possible. And if your parents ask, you have every right to withhold that information, as do your doctors. If they don’t, they can be liable for charges, I suspect. Or losing their job. Something along those lines.
- Tiffany
Anonymous asked: I have an eating disorder and I feel like I need a lot of help, but I don't know how to get it. I use to starve myself, and I had to go to the ER. for constipation because of it. Now i am afraid and I am having issues with binge eating. I see a therapist and I am taking antidepressants. I still feel like i am stuck, and not moving forward. I want better help, and I cut sometimes too because I ate too much. I also try to make myself throw up but it doesn't work. I just dont know what to do.
I cannot tell if this is the same anon or not, but I have feels it’s not.
Either way, this is my suggestion: if you feel you need help, you need to demand it. I know that’s really scary, but in my experience a lot of time the only one who can notice your pain is you (especially since a lot of time we hide our illness and its symptoms). You need to go find someone you trust and ask them to help you get help. If you don’t have someone, you can contact help lines or Google therapy/eating disorder/depression treatment places in your city/surrounding area and see about going it that way. Another way is to talk to your GP about it.
It sounds like you are severely sick and currently the medication or its dose is not helping you much. Eating disorders usually are caused by something deeper too, and you need to work with a therapist or a group to help find that reason and learn better coping skills for it, etc.
You are able to see that what you’re doing right now is detrimental and is not getting you anywhere. Now you just need to use that knowledge to push for better/different help.
- Tiff
